Uhhhhh Was That Meant To Happen?
by Smego Baggins
Summary: Elrond accidentally turns Frodo into a puppy and things seem to go downhill for our heroes from there. Pippin, Merry and Legolas must steal Bill and a bartender is after the two hobbits blood. At this rate they probably won't even make it to Mt Doom.
1. Puppy Troubles

Uhhhhh . . . Was That Meant To Happen?  
  
Summery: Elrond accidentally mixes up the wrong concoction for the wrong species. . . the result? Fido. . . uh . . . I mean Frodo turns into a dog, a golden retriever PUPPY to be exact but worse is yet to come. . . there's still the ring to destroy and no-ones willing to take it. A/N: Do NOT ask where I got this idea from . . . cause I can't remember!!! Hope you like it! Disclaimer for all chapters: I own Nuttin. Setting: This is meant to take place in Rivendell just before Frodo wakes up and finds out he's the groom-to-be of the lovely ring.  
  
Chapter One: Puppy Troubles  
  
Elrond the so-called Mighty was busy mixing up a potion for his beloved daughter, Arwen's, sick dog. It was, by the way, laying at his feet wheezing like there was no hope for it, basically there wasn't. But Elrond, being the good DADDY that he was decided that he could make the dog a PUPPY again.  
  
Now Elrond, being the great half-elvan show-off that he was, decided to ALSO mix another potion at the same time for the injured Frodo and ALSO decided to keep it right next to the Puppy Potion.  
  
Why, is anyone's, including the author's, guess.  
  
Unfortunately he was called away because one of the really cute elf children had broken a very old (300,000 years to exact) statue of the darling elf, Galadriel. (No the writer does NOT care how old Galadriel really is.)  
  
The aged dog lifted itself upon it rickety legs and investigated the contents on the table. He was just pondering what Elrond had mixed for him when he accidentally nocked the Puppy Potion into the Healing Potion. The dog, seeing nothing of interest, like pal dog food, layed back down.  
  
It was at that moment that Elrond came back in muttering words that would burn the innocent ears of any species of human or animal (the dog was deaf so it wasn't harmed).  
  
Elrond was so mixed up in anger that he didn't noticed the Healing Potion wasn't a lovely blue but had sugar, spice and everything nice . . . sorry wrong story.  
  
He grabbed the Puppy Potion (no he didn't notice that it had been nocked over) and placed it in the dogs mouth.  
  
It gave a cough and within seconds began to shrink to the size of a three month old Golden Retriever pup, the fur turned a pale yellow, short and very fine and soft.  
  
Four minutes later a puppy stood where an old and near-death dog had layed.  
  
"Now for Frodo's turn." He said, and picked the puppy up along with the potion.  
  
He walked down the hall which led to the room where his patient lay in a deep coma (mmm . . . Elijah Wood . . . unconscious . . . in bed and . . . ::drools::).  
  
Gandalf looked up and gave an exclamation. "Well, is everything ready?"  
  
"Yep." Elrond replied putting the puppy on the bed where it started to lick Frodo's toes. (A/N: wish that were me.)  
  
Gandalf muttered something and picked the dog up and placed it on the floor where it scampered off to do whatever three month old puppies do: Seek and destroy expensive and irreplaceable things . . . like Gandalf's staff for starters!!!  
  
The wizard looked at the contents of the vile and noticed that the potion was a soft pink (told ya it was made of sugar, spice and everything nice!)  
  
"Hay Elrond? Wasn't the potion meant to be, I don't know, BLUE?!"  
  
Elrond looked at the vile stupidly. "And?"  
  
Gandalf rolled his eyes, for a three thousand year old guy Elrond was just another stupid blond elf (but not my LEGGY!!!). "So you wanna risk killing the kid?"  
  
The elf shrugged, "Couldn't hurt."  
  
The two went up beside the bed and while Gandalf held Frodo's mouth open by holding his nose (Hay, he's a wizard, not a doctor, deal with it) Elrond poured the contents down the unconscious hobbits throat.  
  
He gave a cough and opened his bright blue eyes.  
  
Gandalf and Elrond whooped and high-fived each other.  
  
But Frodo gave another cough and turned into the exact replica of the Golden Retriever puppy that was currently chewing up Gandalf staff with it's sharp little teeth.  
  
"What the . . ." Gandalf trailed off.  
  
"Uhhhhh. . . Was that meant to happen?" Elrond asked still holding the vile in shock.  
  
"I don't think so," Gandalf muttered.  
  
"What do we do?" the elf lord asked.  
  
"I think running away is not and option, and we have no antidote and THANKS to your daughters DOG my STAFF is completely RUINED so our only choice is for it to wear off." Gandalf thundered pointing to the dog.  
  
"Bilbo's gonna kill me," Elrond muttered sitting down.  
  
"Oh shit," Gandalf swore. "I completely forgot about him!"  
  
Meanwhile, Frodo the Puppy was sitting in the sheets wondering what Gandalf and Elrond were peeing themselves about.  
  
He wasn't going to die was he? He started to breath in deeply and was bombarded with smells that he had never realised existed.  
  
Was it always like this in Rivendell? To have a greater sense of ones surroundings?  
  
Frodo would have been very calm . . . If he hadn't tried to talk that is.  
  
'Hay Gandalf. What's wrong? You lose a contact or something'?' he said. Instead what came out was: "Whine woof. Rrrawf? Rrawfrrawfrr woof?" he stopped dead.  
  
Panic took over. Why could he talk in Common Speech? Was something more dire happening?  
  
Frodo looked at himself and nearly fainted. He quickly closed his eyes for a few seconds then he slowly opened them and looked and nearly fainted again.  
  
While Frodo was discovering first hand what it was like to be a dog Gandalf and Elrond (the Stupid) were still peeing themselves.  
  
Then finally Elrond came up with great idea.  
  
"How about we just tell Bilbo."  
  
Gandalf hit him with the broken and saliva covered staff.  
  
But He-Who's-Stupidity-Knows-No-Bounds (Elrond) kept at it. "What I mean is he may let us live if we tell him instead of him finding out."  
  
Gandalf was just about to hit him again but began to think about what Elrond had said.  
  
"You may have a point there." He said putting down his staff. So the wizard and the elf (along with two ADORABLE puppies) walked toward their doom . . . um . . . I mean Bilbo's room.  
  
Good ol' Bilbo was writing a book (it was called: 1,2,3 Dwarfs and Me) when he noticed to dogs currently chewing his large toes.  
  
"Mongrel dogs." He said and he KICKED one (no it wasn't Arwen's). It yelped and looked at him with it's baby BLUES!!  
  
"Never seen you before," he muttered and picked up his nephew (NO he didn't know it was his nephew!!).  
  
Frodo looked at his uncle and whined. 'Uncle it's me!! HELP!!'  
  
"You look like Arwen's dog except . . . you have blue eyes . . . like my nephew." Realisation started to dawn on the aged guys face and he said. "I'm hungry and you, my little dog, must be too."  
  
Frodo just rolled his eyes. God this guy was STUPID. Didn't he realise he WAS his nephew?!?!  
  
At that moment He-Who's-Stupidity-Knows-No-Bounds and the wizard guy came rushing in and when they found Bilbsie and his nephew they realised that the aged geezer hadn't a clue of what was going on.  
  
"Um . . . Bilbo?" Elrond started. "We need to talk to you about your nephew."  
  
"Is he all right?" Bilbo asked alarmed.  
  
"Um . . . that depends on your definition of 'Is he all right,' " Gandalf said nervously.  
  
"I mean is he alive and well."  
  
"He's alive and definitely licken,"  
  
Short Stuff (Bilbo) didn't understand the last word so decided to dismiss it.  
  
"Well, then what is wrong?"  
  
"Let's just say he has four furry feet now."  
  
"Four . . . ? Wh . . . what has happened to him?"  
  
"You should know . . . he's on your lap."  
  
"On my . . . lap?" he looked at the puppy. "OH MY GOD!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM?!?!"  
  
"It wasn't my fault it was his!" the wizard cried and pointed to He-Who's- Stupidity-Knows-No-Bounds. "Blame him!"  
  
"I blame both of you!"  
  
"Let's sort this out at the meeting."  
  
"Damn straight and you can tell the people why a dog instead of my nephew is delivering the bloody ring!"  
  
"Hay! I just thought of something." Stupid (who else?) said suddenly.  
  
"What?" both Wizard and Short Stuff snapped.  
  
"How are you going to give him the sword and coat thingy?"  
  
"Well, we'll just have to cut them down to his size. Ain't we?"  
  
"Who cares! We can sort this out at the council." Gandalf exploded and stormed out of the room.  
  
And so it was a wise old wizard, a stupid blond elf, an old geezer that looked like he'd came from the set of 'The Land Before Time' series and two adorable puppies. They walked into the council (NO not the LAWFUL ONE) and sat down while all the dudes from far and near looked on amused at seeing that He-Who's- Stupidity-Knows-No-Bounds had a few animals trailing in his wake.  
  
"Hay look," Merry said, pointing. "It's Snow White bringing in more diseased animals into the realm of Fantastica."  
  
All sniggered in response to the joke except for poor Pippin, who, as we all know, was a blank as Picassio when he died.  
  
"I don't get it." He said simply.  
  
"Pippin?" Merry asked seriously. "Did you take your tablets this morning?"  
  
Pippin smiled, like the vacant fool he was. "Yes. And they tasted like peppermint."  
  
Merry exploded. "THOSE WERE MY TICK-TACKS!!"  
  
"No wonder my mouth feels fresher." He smiled again at Merry.  
  
Merry sighed and said. "Come on let's go and take you medies."  
  
"Do I get ice-cream after?" Pippin asked hopefully.  
  
"Only if I can find the rest of my weed, which has mysteriously disappeared."  
  
"I though it was stuffing to go with the turkey last night." Pippin whined.  
  
"So that's why everyone was so happy," Merry said as they disappeared.  
  
Everyone watched as the two young hobbits left.  
  
"Well, that was interesting, I must admit." Legolas muttered to the elf beside him, who nodded in agreement.  
  
Half an hour later . . .  
  
Nothin much had changed except for a huge freaking argument that made the author break out her powers and place the nine guys together.  
  
Much like survivor really.  
  
"Oooooooh, I like that show." Pippin commented as he and Merry walked in.  
  
They stopped dead in their tracks.  
  
There were two identical puppies playing (well, I had to make them do SOMETHING instead of looking cute. That gets tiring after a while)  
  
"What's wrong with Frodo?" Merry asked as he, Pippin, Legolas, Aragorn, Borimor, Gimli, Gandalf, Sam and Bilbo watched as the two puppies continued to play and generally ignore the people around them. "He's either taken the wrong potion or he has a serious allergy to fleas."  
  
The only way they could tell them apart was because Fido . . . uh . . . I mean Frodo still had the ring and it's chain around his now tiny, fluffy, yellow neck and he still had his BABY BLUES.  
  
"He has turned into Arwen's puppy, Linker." Elrond said, straight faced.  
  
"So now the ring-barer is now the FLEA-BEARER!" Merry said laughing.  
  
Pippin started sniggering. "Well, this sure DOGed things up!"  
  
With that, he and Merry fell about laughing until Bilbo whacked them with his walking stick.  
  
"It's NOT funny!" Bilbo said sternly.  
  
"Must come from the Brandybuck side!" Pippin continued.  
  
"Yeah! It must!" Merry laughed. Then he stoped only realising Pippin had just insulted his whole family. "HAY!!"  
  
"What?" Pippin said still sniggering.  
  
"That was cruel."  
  
"And? Your point being?" Pippin shrugged.  
  
Merry jumped up and pushed Pippin. Pippin pushed Merry. Merry retaliated and punched Pippin in the stomach.  
  
While Merry and Pippin were duking it out, Gandalf had a quiet word with the author.  
  
"Well, will he become a hobbit again?" he question.  
  
"Mmm not telling." I answered.  
  
"Will the quest be completed successfully?"  
  
"Mmm not telling." I answered.  
  
"Okay, the number one question on my mind is . . . will I die?"  
  
"Mmm not telling." I answered.  
  
"You do realise I'm a very old, powerful AND respected wizard?" he challenged.  
  
"You do realise I'm a fanfic writer with the power to either make you gay or severely attracted to Sam?"  
  
"EAK!" he shrieked and sat back down.  
  
The author allowed herself a small smirk.  
  
"Well," Merry asked. "What do we do now?"  
  
"We toilet train Fido." Was Borimor's reply as he watch a sheepish puppy accidentally relieve himself in the middle of the Council's Court.  
  
Will this problem screw up the quest? Will Pippin and Merry continue telling their Flea-Bearer jokes? YES!!! But I need help with that! Will Bill make an appearance in the next chapter? Cause. He's my second fave LotR character! Will He-Who's-Stupidity-Knows-No-Bounds turn Fido back into a Hobbit? Does anyone REALLY know the Lyric's to "How much is that doggie in the window?" Will I stop asking these questions and write the next chapter? Only if I gets 10 reviews. Find out in the next chapter of Uhhhhh. . .Was That Meant To Happen? 


	2. How Much Is That Pony In The Window?

A/N: I would just like to thank the four people who reviewed, thanks guys it does help.  
  
Chapter Two: How Much Is That Pony In The Window?  
  
Have you ever heard a dog sing? Probably not but, Fido didn't let that get in his way of having a good time on the trail while he was carried by his master . . . I mean . . . servant Sam.  
  
"How much it that puppy in the window?" Merry and Pippin sang with the barking done by Fido.  
  
"Woof woof."  
  
"The one with the waggly tail?"  
  
"Woof woof."  
  
"How much it that puppy in the window?"  
  
"Woof woof."  
  
"I hope that he is for sale."  
  
And at this Fido howled a beautiful howl.  
  
Everyone clapped furiously, even though they thought the singing was terrible, the barking on the other hand was something to really listen to.  
  
"We will stop to camp here tonight." Aragorn decided. "For I am tired and want to mourn over leaving my dear Arwen behind." He plunked himself on a log and pulled out his wallet with a picture of his love in it. He continued to drool for the rest of the night.  
  
Legolas and Gimli weren't getting along. It all started when Gimli claimed that the movie made him look like a retarded dwarf, then Legolas pointed out he couldn't see the difference.  
  
They hadn't spoken to each other since.  
  
Everything was normal except for the little fight that was going to be sorted out later.  
  
"Hay." Sam said suddenly, noticing something was missing. "Where's Bill?"  
  
"We haven't brought him yet." Aragorn answered dreamily.  
  
"I thought we brought him when we were in Bree." Sam questioned.  
  
"Well, the author forgot." Gimli grunted, then continued sharpening his axe.  
  
"Who's writing this time?" he ventured.  
  
"Iz." Everyone said.  
  
"Oh god, we're so screwed." Sam broke down.  
  
"Be strong, man, be strong." Legolas patted him on the back sympathetically.  
  
"You don't understand." He wailed. "She has some sick pleasure making me suffer by being gay and them two," he pointed to Merry and Pippin, who looked up with expressionless faces. "Don't help at all, cause they continue to encourage her."  
  
Legolas looked up to the heavens pleading the author to come down and help. It showed he hated playing psychiatrist.  
  
I rolled my eyes and opened the door that was camouflaged into the forest.  
  
"What's it this time butterballs?" I said, my hands on my hips.  
  
"THAT!!" Sam wailed and sobbed harder.  
  
I looked confused at Legolas. "Explain what he's blabbering about this time."  
  
"He's blabbering about you making him sound like he's gay when he's not." He rolled his eyes.  
  
"Hay, I didn't make him like that in Destiny's End."  
  
"Well, no." Legolas stoped to think.  
  
"That was Karina, who did." I explained. "And as for Merry and Pippin, well, that's not me, that's my muse."  
  
"What MUSE??" Borimor laughed.  
  
A thunderbolt struck him.  
  
"I SO deserved that." He muttered.  
  
"I'm glad you realise where the balance of power is." I nodded, I turned to Sam. "I promise not to make you gay for three chapters."  
  
"Five."  
  
"Four." He bargained.  
  
"Done." We shook hands.  
  
"Now can I get on with the story?"  
  
"What about Bill?" Pippin questioned.  
  
"What about Bill?" I asked.  
  
"Are we going to get him?"  
  
"Do you have any money?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well, then do what I do when I want something."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Steal."  
  
And with that, I left the nine to think.  
  
Next Day . . . in Bree.  
  
"How the hell did we get here that quick?" Gimli asked.  
  
Now, boys and girls, I hope you won't ask as many questions as Gimli does, will you? Because that'd make  
  
Aunt Iz very sad. You're not worried about how they got there that fast, are you? No, I didn't think you  
  
were.  
  
"Where the hell's that voice coming from?" he asked. He'd forgotten about the author altogether and she also made sure he had a short memory span.  
  
"CAN'T YOU HEAR THE VOICE?!" he yelled and clamped his hands to his ears.  
  
Everyone ignored him and continued trudging through the mud.  
  
"I hate this place." Legolas muttered as he stepped in a particular sloshy part of mud covering his whole shoes in the gunk.  
  
"You've never been here before." Sam pointed out while shifting a sleeping puppy in his arms.  
  
"True, but I still hate it."  
  
Borimor turned around. "Um where are Merry and Pippin? I haven't seen them since we left The Prancing Pony."  
  
Everyone looked at each other. "Uh oh."  
  
Merry and Pippin, meanwhile were hiding under a table and chair.  
  
"So tell me again why we are hiding dear Merry?" Pippin question.  
  
"Because . . ." he trailed off as a plate crashed. "We forgot to pay for the beers."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"The money we're using for Bill." Merry explained and shot out to hide near a darkened wall. "I kinda used it for food and a few drinks."  
  
"But we had no money to start off with." Pippin said confused.  
  
"I know but Iz made a deal with Harry Potter and he turned some paper into money. Problem is she didn't tell us we didn't have enough to pay for food and a PONY!"  
  
"Oh," was all Pippin could say. "So we used the money to buy food and beer, but that wasn't enough, so now we have to steal the pony and run form an enraged bartender?"  
  
"Your stupidity amazes me." Merry said as he flattened himself against the wall.  
  
"Thannnnnnnnnnk you." Pippin replied.  
  
With that they bolted out of the door and ran straight into the group, tripping Legolas over and causing him to fall into mud.  
  
He gave a strangled cry.  
  
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!" he screamed and ran into a alleyway where he continued to sob for over an hour.  
  
"Talk about a hissy fit." Gandalf muttered and was promptly struck by lighting.  
  
"I deserved that." He muttered and replaced his scorched robes with clean ones with a wave of his magic staff.  
  
"Let's get Bill!" Sam said and pointed in the direction of Ferny's Stables. Everyone brushed past him.  
  
"Hay, I try."  
  
Fido yawned in response.  
  
"At least you appreciate me, don't you Mr Frodo?"  
  
Fido gave the author a very scared look.  
  
"What do you mean you won't sell him?" Aragorn raged. "Your gonna screw up the whole story by not selling him to us!"  
  
"Hay, mister just because your the long lost king of Gondor doesn't mean you can stride in here and buy any pony." Ferny said folding his arms.  
  
"You do realise I'm a very old, powerful AND respected wizard?" Gandalf challenged.  
  
"And do you realise that I have connections with Iz?" Ferny asked his eyebrow raised.  
  
"And you do realise she loves horse's and ponies?" Sam questioned.  
  
"Umm . . . alright you can have a look but I'm not promising anything." And he led the way to Bill's stall.  
  
When he left them they looked at the pony and all including Fido went. Ready? 1. . . 2 . . . 3:  
  
"Awww poor old Bill."  
  
He looked depressed and didn't even look up when Fido walked between his legs.  
  
"He needs a song." Sam said and walked up to the pony.  
  
There he started to sing. "The sun will come out tomorrow.  
  
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow.  
  
There'll be sun.  
  
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow. . ."  
  
"Why are you bothering?" came Ferny's voice breaking Sam in his rendition of Annie.  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"He's no use. So were gonna put him down."  
  
Sam was shocked. "When?"  
  
"Tomorrow."  
  
And with that, he left the shocked eight. Fido sat on his little hunches and turned his head looking extremely cute and stuff, he pondered how they were going to get poor old Bill out of this one.  
  
"Someone say something." Sam pleaded, breaking the uncomfortable silence.  
  
So Merry and Pippin did.  
  
"Your only a day away." They sung together.  
  
Will they be able to rescue the poor pony from the evil clutches of the knackery?  
  
How much is Bill really worth?  
  
Will Legolas ever get over being dirty or will he need counselling?  
  
Will the two trouble makers help the others worm their way out for paying for the pony?  
  
And will they EVER get their destination?  
  
Well, keep reading and find out in Chapter 3: A Horse Is A Horse Of Course Of Course . . . And This is a Pony, Dudes 


	3. A Horse Is A Horse Of Course Of Course ....

Chapter 3: A Horse Is A Horse Of Course Of Course . . . And This is a Pony, Dudes  
  
A/N: I'd like to thank the people who have stuck with me this far cause I don't think this is really going anywhere but if you people like it . . . I'll keep writing it.  
  
All was quiet in the town of Bree, no movement broke the silence that seeped into the cold night air, everything was as it should have been.  
  
Unless you counted one elf and two hobbits as blackness that is.  
  
"We must be quiet, or all will be lost." Legolas muttered as he, Pippin and Merry weaved themselves in the darkness of midnight. "We need the subtle approach."  
  
Of course Merry and Pippin's idea of subtle was different to everyone else's.  
  
"So we're gonna steal him?" Merry asked.  
  
"No," Legolas explained. "We're gonna borrow him, until we get to Moria that is."  
  
"So we're gonna steal him?" Pippin continued.  
  
The three walked into Bill Ferny's Stables and quickly located the skinny pony, who was dozing in a dream where he was a foal again. (What is it with this story and baby animals?)  
  
Slowly Legolas lifted Bill's halter and slipped it onto the pony's face, careful not to startle him. Bill slowly opened his brown eyes and looked at the three in confusion.  
  
He looked down and noticed that Fido had come long for the ride as well. Legolas picked him up and placed him on Bill's back, the only response was the pony flickering his ears.  
  
Everything was going to plan.  
  
Until Merry discovered the light switch, that is.  
  
With that, a crazed and half asleep Ferny burst out with a shotgun and proceeded to scare the living daylights out of everyone and everything in sight.  
  
"Damn Hobo's tryin' to steal me ponies and give 'em free rein. I'll show 'em free rein." With that he took aim at them and fired, he completely missed and hit a few bottles that had been sitting on the stall door of a runaway pony that had ran away a few months ago, he'd never been able to hit the blasted things, until then.  
  
The hobbits, including Legolas, Bill and Fido, decided it was time to steal the pony and run like the wind.  
  
"Why did I join these crazy idiots." The elf panted heavily as the four literally ran for their lives.  
  
"Because I don't like you." The author called.  
  
"Yes, you do." He yelled back.  
  
"Too true." The author muttered. "Alright it's because I just loooooove seeing that ass of yours move."  
  
"You seriously need help, you know that?"  
  
"Yes. Yes I do."  
  
Miraculously, they made it to where the others were hiding out without getting caught.  
  
"You've got the pony?" Aragorn said.  
  
"Yep. Can I have my bow and arrows back now?" he asked as he handed Sam the reins and Fido.  
  
"Of course." And Aragorn handed the goods back.  
  
"Can we go, please?" Merry asked. "I still have a feeling that Pippin and I are being hunted for food, if you know what I mean."  
  
Fido knew EXACTLY what they meant, rolled his eyes and growled.  
  
"Watch it or youll be a hot dog." Merry sniggered.  
  
He beared his teeth.  
  
His cousin hesitated. "Uh, I didn't really mean it." Then he stepped behind Borimor where he remained for a mile or so.  
  
"NOW, can we go?" Pippin pleaded. "I want to try to get some sleep and I'm also cold."  
  
Sam placed Fido on the pony's back, where he made himself comfortable and settled down for a nap. (He's a puppy so sue me) "Come on Bill, let's get going." The gardener said tuging on the ponies reins.  
  
Bill didn't budge.  
  
"I know how to make him move." Pippin grined and he slapped Bill's rump.  
  
The pony reared then bolted with both puppy and Sam still attatched.  
  
"PLEASE!!!" he screamed half an hour later. "SOMEONE HELP ME!!"  
  
The reason no one did was because they were pissing themselves laughing at the sight.  
  
"IZ!!!!" Sam finally screamed when he sensed that help was gonna be hard to come by.  
  
"Yeeeesssssss." I drawled.  
  
"HELP!!"  
  
"Did somebody hear something?" I asked the fellowship.  
  
"Nope." Said Aragorn.  
  
"Didn't hear a thing." Legolas shook his head.  
  
"Don't know what your talking about." Borimor muttered.  
  
"Just my imagation playing on me again." Gandalf dimissed.  
  
"I've just smoked so I'm still out of it, man." Merry slurred.  
  
"Must be my stomach." Pippin shrugged.  
  
"It's nothing more than a wind." Gimli proposed.  
  
"DEAR GOD SAVE US!!!!" Sam screamed as Bill thundered past.  
  
Five minutes later . . .  
  
"I think we should help him now." Pippin said.  
  
"Why?" I asked.  
  
"Well, I don't know about you but his screaming is getting on my nerves and I hate to see what Frodo'll do when he's turned back into a human.  
  
"That's true." I said, walked in front of Bill's path and the pony came to a screeching halt. Fido and Sam went sailing over head and Legolas and Aragorn caught boh of them safetly.  
  
"I'm bored!!" Merry complained six minutes later.  
  
"Well, I know where you people can go." I said and dissappeared again..  
  
On Caradhras . . .  
  
"Damn, and I thought we got snow in Mirkwood." Legolas complained as he walked passed the others who were struggling through the snow, he was walking on it.  
  
The other glared.  
  
"I feel like a snowman." Sam shivered.  
  
"Hold on, I hear something . . ." Legolas strained his hearing. "OW MY EARS ARE BURNED!!!" he screamed as foul language stung his sensitive ears.  
  
"IT'S THAT EVIL WIZARD DUDE!!!" Gandalf yelled.  
  
Suddenly a heap of snow fell onto the group.  
  
"And today's forecast is snow followed by a blizzard soon followed by a avalanche that will surly kill everyone but me." Legolas smiled. "God it's great to be an elf."  
  
After the snow had stopped falling on them he was the first to appear.  
  
"GOD! Now THAT is bloody COLD!!"  
  
A few minutes later everyone was saftly out. They waited for orders.  
  
"To Moria!" Aragorn called. Everyone brushed past him.  
  
"Don't feel to bad Mr Aragorn, sir. I get that all the time." Sam said. Aragorn looked at him and without a word walked by.  
  
  
  
Will Sam ever get any respect?  
  
Will Merry and Pipping stop acting like children?  
  
Will Fido discover the dog within?  
  
Will Gandalf ever change his cloths  
  
Will Gimli and Legolas ever make it up and be friends?  
  
And where are all the bad guys?  
  
Find out in Chapter 4: Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to Moria We Go 


	4. Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to Moria We Go

Chapter 4: Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to Moria We Go  
  
A/N: thankyou for the reviews and I love the feedback (at least their not flaimers . . . yet.) anyway I need some help with the next chapter cause I'm doing a few assisgnments and am having nothing but WB (Writers Block) . . . so any takers?  
  
~*~ The fellowship had amazingly walked to the path of Moria without a hitch, which is saying something for them all.  
  
Legolas and Gimli had made up because I threatened to get a friend of mine make them two more than just 'friends'. They appoligised really quickly . . . wonder why.  
  
And right know they were about to kill three little people who were getting on their nerves.  
  
"I'm hungry!" said three voices.  
  
"We know!" replied five voices.  
  
"I'm gonna pass out!"  
  
"Gandalf?" came Legolas's voice. "CAN IT!"  
  
"But my arthritis is playing up again." He wined. "That snow is to blame."  
  
"I'm cold!" Boromir complained like a 10 year old brat.  
  
"And were not moving until we get a meal." Said Sam, Merry, Pippin. Fido and Bill just barked and snorted in response.  
  
The rest kept on walking.  
  
"FINE!!" yelled all three.  
  
  
  
Two Hours Later . . .  
  
  
  
"I'm cold!" Pippin complained and shook icicles from his hair.  
  
"The feelings mutual." Mutter Merry.  
  
"Hay Fatboy!" I shivered.  
  
Sam scrawled. "What shorty?"  
  
"Start a fire!"  
  
"With what?"  
  
"Always trying to get out of your duties with excuses eh?" I sneered.  
  
"Why don't you just use your powers and make one?" Merry tried.  
  
"Your pushing it you are."  
  
"I try." He shrugged.  
  
"I think to stop from freezing we actually need to MOVE?" I said. I got up and pulled my jacket closer to my freezing body. 'Note to self: make this a desert next time.'  
  
"But we're still hungry." Sam said as he pulled a co-operative Bill along.  
  
"Look, stop bitchen', a McDonalds is on the way." And with that I left the five to find their way.  
  
  
  
At McDonalds . . .  
  
"I think I'll have a Quarter Pounder Cheeseburger, with a large fries and a diet coke." Legolas pondered.  
  
"A diet coke?" Gimli asked.  
  
"Hay," he protested. "I need to keep my Elven figure, especially when I fight or run. I can't go around with Love Handles now, can I?"  
  
"Will that be Eat-in or take-away?" the woman asked.  
  
"Ummm," he looked outside and noticed the blizard. "Eat-in?"  
  
"Think again." Came Merry's voice as he burst through the doors.  
  
The elf sighed in defeat, knowing now he would never escape. "Take-away." He muttered.  
  
  
  
The Gates of Moria . . .  
  
  
  
"I think he forgot the password." Merry whispered to his cousin as they reclied on a tree that leaned out to the water. It had been a few hours since they reached the gate and frankly everyone was getting fed up with the senile tour guide.  
  
Aragorn and Sam had tried to release Bill but he refused to budge and latched onto Sam with his teeth when the hobit suggested he should go to the shire and wait for them there.  
  
That was the only time everyone wished they had a camera.  
  
Legolas, who'd gotten bored and decided to read, tossed aside the script. "Okay, this is the only good line I get. So I'm not gonna stuff it up."  
  
He coughed.  
  
"Do not lose hope, little ones, for Gandalf knows the correct words to open The Gates of Moria." He grinned. "I FINALLY SAID SOMETHING SMART!!!!"  
  
Gandalf on the other hand.  
  
"Open up you Mother F&$@ER DOOR!"  
  
"MY EARS!!!" everyone screamed.  
  
"Hay Gandalf?" Merry asked. "What's the Elven word for friend?"  
  
"Rock-mellon, why?"  
  
It was one of those three words that opened the gates.  
  
Pippin walked passed. "Dumbass." He coughed.  
  
"WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!" Gandalf roared which made the gates crumble.  
  
'Crap. And I was gonna sneak out, too.' Fido thought.  
  
"Um . . . Ops?" Gandalf said.  
  
"THANK you very MUCH!!!" Gimli shouted. "No where the hell am I meant to retire to when I'm old and grey? Not here! That's for sure!"  
  
Ignoring him, the rest of the guys walked in and found a very ugly sight.  
  
Dwarves littered the whole entire floor.  
  
"THEIR ALL DEAD!!!" Legolas screamed like a girl after he looked around.  
  
"No." Breathed Aragorn. "Just stoned. Don't worry, everyone is alive and well."  
  
"Can we get a move on, people?" Boromir asked. "And keep it down, there are scary things about."  
  
"Like my future father-in-law." Aragorn muttered.  
  
A few hours later the hobbits had forgotten about Boromir's warning and had burst into a ballad of '100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall'. They were up to 65 bottles when Gandalf had had enough and put a slience charm on them.  
  
"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you." Legolas groveled.  
  
"Get a HOLD of yourself, man." He snaped and slapped him upside the head.  
  
He paused. "NO IZ PLEASE!!!"  
  
I smiled and threw my lighting bolt at him.  
  
"WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE AIMED IT AT MEEEEEEEEEEE!" Legolas cried, tears pouring down his fair cheeks.  
  
'And get pelted with rotten food? No thanks, my clothes rearly get cleaned as it is.'  
  
"I HATE YOU!!!" he shreaked.  
  
'Shut up or I'll take you bow and arrows away from you.'  
  
"I'll be good." He said and sat down on a rock.  
  
Later the little group of heros reached a fork in the walls and Gandalf realised that he'd lost his mind again.  
  
"Ummm, maybe I should have asked for directions." He muttered as he sat down and lit his pipe.  
  
The rest of the fellowship along with Bill, who was coping with his fear of the dark very well, were just lounging around and veging out on the various rocks and moss that grew everywhere. Merry, Pippin and Fido decided to play fetch with objects that were really broken weapons, they stopped when they nearly lost both ring and puppy down a hole.  
  
Suddenly a slimy creature crawled over a few rocks and Legolas was creeped out.  
  
"Iz? Can you get that . . . that . . . THING! Out of here?" he asked.  
  
'Sorry, no can do.'  
  
"I hate you, I really, really, really HATE you."  
  
'No you don't.'  
  
Rolling his eyes, he went to sit next to the aged geezer who was still trying to figure the right way out.  
  
"Yo, Gandalf? You know that evil thing down there? It looks like Gollum."  
  
"You dumbass. It IS Gollum, he's only been following us since this excuse for a story began."  
  
"Nuh uh!" Legolas protested.  
  
"Yes huh." Gandalf defended.  
  
"Maybe we should kill him."  
  
"Haven't read the second book have you?"  
  
"Uhhh. . . . Ok so we won't kill him." Legolas stuttered. Then something caught his eye on Gandalf's lap. It looked oddly like a map. A very OLD map.  
  
"Hay, Gandalf? Can I have a look at that map on your lap?" the elf asked, he didn't wait for an answer. Mainly because the wizard was on a trip of his own at the moment.  
  
"OH GOD!" Legolas yelled after a few seconds of studing it.  
  
"What?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"We've been going the wrong way!!" Legolas cried in a whiny voice that was on the verge of tears.  
  
"How is that possible?"  
  
Legolas made no remark instead, he just put his hands on his hips and raised his eyebrow. Aragorn caught on and looked at Gandalf. He now knew what the look meant.  
  
"Do you thinke we should drop him off at the old folks home when this is all over?" the ranger asked.  
  
"Oh GOD yes." Merry and Pippin cried.  
  
"What do you have against him?" I said walking up behind Legolas.  
  
"DON'T DO THAT!" Legolas yelled jumping six or twelve feet.  
  
"Whatever." I muttered. "Do you think you could hurry it up? I'm running out of ideas and jokes, and I'm LOSING REVIEWS!!"  
  
"Your loss." Aragorn mummbled.  
  
I glared. "You're also lucky I'm running out of lighting bolts."  
  
"EAK!"  
  
  
  
In the Tomb Of That Dead Dwarf Dude . . .  
  
  
  
Gandalf was reading from the book he'd ripped from a skeleton. All I can say is YUCK! I mean who would touch a book that's like been bled and rotted on?  
  
"Iz . . . I totally agree with you." Legolas said as he kicked a football size skull around.  
  
"That's still no reason to kick the skulls of the dead around." I said and slapped him upside the head, which was hard because I'm only 4'7 tall.  
  
"Isn't that your band name?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah, Skulls of the Dead."  
  
"Who came up with that?" Pippin asked, holding a chest.  
  
"Believe it or not, my grandfather."  
  
"How long did it last?" Merry smirked.  
  
"Three weeks." I said bowing my head in shame.  
  
Pippin threw the chest down the well.  
  
"He shoots . . . he SCORES!!!!" Merry comentated.  
  
"Alright, time to run like hell." I said and left.  
  
A silence fell in the tomb.  
  
"I'm scared." Legolas muttered.  
  
"Me too," everyone else murrmed.  
  
Out of nowhere the Balrog drooped from the sky.  
  
"What the HELL!" everyone, including the animals, yelled.  
  
"OW! Iz could you make the landing a little softer next time?" he grumbled.  
  
'Sorry, my mistake.'  
  
The Balrog laughed as they ran across the slim bridge.  
  
"I'll get you my pretty's, and the little ringbarer, too."  
  
Now, because Gandalf was still a little wozy from the smoke he decided to play hero. Well, at least he didn't go to Orthanc with Saruman and have another round of breakdancing.  
  
"Hay, pretty colours!" he slurred. "OH! . . . um . . . You shall not, like, pass, dude!"  
  
"Watch me old man!" the Balrog grumbled.  
  
"I SAID!!" he yelled. "YOU . . . SHALL . . . NOT . . . PASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The Balrog just rolled his eyes and walked away, this was more trouble than it was worth to him.  
  
"I AM THE WIZARD!!" Gandalf yelled and promptly tripped off the bridge.  
  
Everyone rushed . . . well walked . . . to his aid.  
  
'Grab him by the BEARD!' the puppy tried to yell, but it came out as a yowl.  
  
All watched as he fell to his doom.  
  
"Damn . . . thats gotta hurt." Pippin said deadpan.  
  
"He's gonna kill you when he crawls out." Merry informed his cousin.  
  
"That's why I'm gonna put as much distance between me and him as possible." Pippin grined. "See? I'm not as stupid as people claim. I've had that little dittiy up my sleave for weeks now."  
  
"So is THAT why you kept asking where the biggest drops were?"  
  
"Yep." The hobbit said proudly.  
  
"I shall never call you stupid again." Merry said slapping Pippin on the back.  
  
"And I shall never call a Pot Smokin' Hippy either." His cousin said.  
  
"You never did." Merry stated.  
  
"Not that you know of." Pippin muttered under his breath.  
  
"Does this have something realated to why my future wife-to-be brok up with me and went and married a PROUDFOOT?"  
  
"Ummmm . . . maybe."  
  
"You weed smoking arse is mine." And with that Merry chased him until they made it to the Golden wood.  
  
~*~  
  
Will they make it to the Golden Wood in one piece?  
  
Will Bill give up on biting Sam?  
  
Is Frodo ENJOYING being a dog rather than a hobbit?  
  
And what is Aragorns REAL secret?  
  
Find out in Chapter 5: Elves, Witches and Confessions . . . Oh My 


End file.
